This is what I’m slightly obsessed with right now. 🙂
This is what I’m slightly obsessed with right now. 🙂
So, we recently went through another bout of health scares here in the Ravenson household. What a great way to pull my head out of my ass and put everything RIGHT back into perspective.
Long story long:
I went to the ER for chest pains and trouble breathing. It’s not really new, I’ve been having chest pain for about a year now. The breathing trouble IS new however, and it freaked me out. I had an EKG, blood tests, and a chest Xray and all checked out fine. I was told to schedule a stress test, which costs $8000-$10,000 with a $1000 deposit. Thanks, but I’m poor and uninsured, so if there’s something wrong I’ll just die tragically thankyouverymuch.
While I was there, waiting to be discharged, Bear had what can only be described as ‘an episode’. It’s happened a few times. He got the cold sweats, got dizzy (room-spinning dizzy), and began throwing up.
Since we were there, I asked the nurse if she could take his blood pressure. She said she’d need to check him in first, and since he’s had all the heart issues, we both thought that was a capital idea. So they checked him in.
They ran the same EKG, blood tests, chest Xray, etc. They didn’t come back OK, but that’s to be expected. He has 4 stents from a previous heart attack. So we found that his heart function is about 40%, which we knew already. (Believe it or not, NORMAL heart function is only about 60-70%.) The doctor was concerned with the damage to the heart muscle that was still present, and they decided to keep him overnight for observation.
I stayed with him. My chest hurt, I felt like shit, but I wanted to be there regardless. He’s my Bear, after all.
While we were there, he mostly slept while I mostly brooded, wrote, and brooded some more. It occurred to me that we just aren’t those people who are going to live long, healthy lives. We aren’t going to make it to 80. We aren’t going to spend our golden years rocking on our front porch. Chances are, the Bear will die earlier than most other people. My dad passed at 57, and his mom passed in her early 50’s (54 I think), so it’s not unprecedented. I’ve also had health troubles my entire life between the leg perthes, surgeries, adenomyosis, more surgeries, and now fibromyalgia and costochondritis. While none of these will kill me, my quality of life just isn’t what it should be. There’s always this pervasive background pain and the worry that it brings. So, when the Bear is gone, I’ll likely choose to follow him.
I realize that’s all kind of sad, but it is what it is. These are the lives we’ve been given. On the plus side, it means that we need to have fun while we can. I want to start making some more money so that we can travel. I need to get him to New Zealand at some point, and dammit, I want to get to make my Scotland/England/Wales trip before I’m too hurty to enjoy it. I also want to get my novel edited and published, so at least I can say that I’ve put something of myself out there.
On that note, a few days after we left the hospital, we had a chance to go to the county fair. We got to see cows and goats and chickens, and we ate a shit tonne of fried foods. Granted, that’s probably just hastening the inevitable, but it was also part of enjoying the experience.
Sometime next week, we’ll be making our annual pilgrimage to the apple orchards in Ellijay, GA. We usually have a great time moseying up through the mountains, and we’re hoping to bring back enough cider to ferment and enough apples to make apple butter for Yule gifts.
Life is fucking short. We WILL enjoy ourselves.
So, something you may not know about the Bear. He’s 6’6″, 300+ lbs, sports a mean-looking mohawk, and generally looks bad ass. However, he hates, hates HATES moths. He runs from our porch steps to the door as quickly as possible, because their fluttery hijinx freak him out. As his loving, doting wife, I obviously find this hilarious.
A few weeks ago, he spotted what he described as a huge greenish moth, and I think it was a luna moth that he saw. But moths aren’t just popping up for him, I’m also finding them in strange places and dreams, as if they’re trying to get my attention. So, being the superstitious person that I am, I decided to do some research into moth symbolism.
To me, on a completely intuitive level, the moth represents tenacity. If you’ve ever seen a moth hurtle headfirst into a lightbulb over and over, you know what I mean. They also try to do whatever they can to be near any light source, and will hang onto a window for HOURS if there’s a lightsource inside.
I could certainly use some tenacity in my life. I’ll take that as a lesson. My second job just ended (I worked for my parents’ shop for 19 years, and they just sold it), so it really is time for me to get serious about doing something good for myself. On that note, I’ve been writing quite a lot, and I just got a new power cable for my laptop, so I will be able to edit Altar of Change. I’m excited. It may be somewhat publishable soon. We’ll see. 🙂
Other moth symbolism: Lunar energies of intuition, psychic awareness, vulnerability, attraction, and determination. Moths aren’t like butterflies who emerge from a soft chrysalis. They build around themselves a hard, crunchy shell, and when they emerge, they’re very soft and vulnerable to the elements. Like me. (No elaboration needed. :-D)
Liam is a minor character in my books so far, though I intend for him to have a larger role at some time in the future. I find myself fascinated with him lately, possibly because his patron deity is Cernunnos, and I’m feeling very drawn to Cernunnos right now too. (Maybe because it’s nearing Autumn, maybe because I have a lot of male energy in my life right now, who can tell?)
When I envision Liam, I tend to see Jonathan Rhys Meyers, but a bit scruffier. Not so pretty, a bit more masculine. But he’s young, Irish, sexy, and has a bit of an ego to go with it. He assumes that he can charm women into giving him what he wants, and he’s usually right. Vine doesn’t trust him because of that, however, and he grudgingly respects that he can’t manipulate her. I may add more details later.
DragonCon is really my favorite holiday of the year for various reasons. First, I get to see friends that I don’t see at any other time of year. And it’s always so familiar and lovely, and I can’t hug them enough when I do see them. Second, there are amazing writing panels there that really inspire me to do the writing I should be doing anyways. This year was no exception. Third, several tens of thousands of geeks. What’s not to love?
This year was a little different for us. Bear actually took part in 3 performances with the Atlanta Radio Theater Company. It was great, because it gave him a lot of exposure and confidence. He’d never really performed in front of that many people before, and it was a fabulous experience. He got to feel more professional, and have a serious rockstar moment during ARTC’s performance of War of the Worlds: The Untold Story. It kind of took away from his happy Dcon time, but it was also pretty fuckin’ cool to actually be on the schedule for some events.
I also found that I AM actually kind of into celebrities. I always thought I was too cool to care about all the celebrities there, but there are 2 words that summarize the change in my attitude this year. LUCY LAWLESS. She’s not just gorgeous, but she’s also charming and very grounded. I wish her panel had been 10 hours long. I would have stayed for the entire thing.
Here’s my day-by-day:
Thursday: Standing in line for passes, met Sam and Adrienne @ food court, then on to Trader Vic’s.
Friday: LUCY LAWLESS. Stolen moments in a panel. Crazy proud of Bear, though I missed his performance of ‘In Need of a Bard’. Picked up Duncan from school. Realized I hadn’t seen my husbear all day and freaked out a little. Need Coffee’s recording of Weekend Justice, then Karaoke in the Xtrack room. Didn’t get to nearly as many panels as I’d hoped.
Saturday: Holy shit, I AM into celebrities (wandered into the Walk of Fame, where I saw Gigi Edgely, Adrian Paul, Lou Ferrigno, Malcolm McDowell, and George Takai. I was a little star struck.). Bear didn’t have a ton of panels scheduled, so he hung out with me most of the day (lovely!). Went to the dealer’s room and only got as far as the Chessex table before the crowds pissed me off. Ate at Willy’s where the superior tofu tacos live. A local man selling ‘NINJA TURTLES!!’ (Tiny, scared baby turtles being shaken around in tiny plastic boxes. Made me cry. I wanted to go buy one or two to rescue them from him, but I didn’t want to give that asshole my money. :-(). Favorite two panels (Supernatural Playlist: Music in Urban Fantasy, and City of Dreadful Night: World-building in Urban Fantasy). I almost thought about not coming next year due to the crowds. *gasp!*
Sunday: Much less crowded, panels started later in the day so I found an alcove in the Hyatt Tower to crash. Author James R Tuck from the two panels the night before came and sat there while I slept, was kind of funny. Someone walked by, saw me laying down facing the wall, and said “Now THAT is a DragonCon moment!” and took a picture of me. More panels. Bear’s a-fucking-mazing performance in War of the Worlds: The Untold Story.
Monday: Blew off several panels. Went back to the dealer’s room where we decided that a bear picture was more important than the nice anniversary dinner we’d planned (an obvious choice!). Bear’s performance in Scouring of the Shire. Make the Bad Men Stop (the very best way to wrap up DragonCon weekend- friends being hilarious and wonderful). Hugging everyone until next year. Dinner with friends at High Velocity (we were too broke to order real food, but ended up full anyways because they ordered the chocolate nachos for our anniversary. <3)
I was a bit worried about how I would do on Dcon weekend with fibromyalgia, and it turns out that I was mostly OK. I had trouble breathing, and that’s something I’m going to get checked out, but for the most part, I was so pumped-up on adrenaline that I carried through OK. However, I worked Tuesday and Wednesday, and that was ROUGH. So the weekend itself wasn’t too terrible, but the recovery period gave me some trouble. Maybe next year I’ll suck it up and get a disability sticker. *shrug*
All-in-all, it was a lovely weekend. I can’t wait until next year! 🙂