Tarot reading, polyamory, and strong boundaries

Sooo..  I had completely given up on finding our third.  We weren’t even looking any more, even though that seems to be a natural state for us.  It’s not that Bear and I aren’t enough for each other, it’s more that we have a lot of extra love, and the idea of bringing a third into our relationship feels right.

Things didn’t work out when we tried to form a relationship with J, and that hurt.  But it got to be OK over time, and now that we’re not trying to force something that isn’t going to be there, we’ve found a really amazing friendship.  I wouldn’t trade him for anyone.  He’s truly been there for us at our worst, and I can’t imagine trying to go back and create a relationship that would never work.  I’m very happy with the balance we’ve found.

So I decided that I didn’t want to even try anymore.  There was a flurry of activity after J, but that was more a balm for my bruised ego than anything else.  Nothing stuck.  I was looking forward to writing, getting back to my spirituality, and focusing on Bear.  And then SHE showed up.  And she was so lovely, charming, sexy, and clever, that it seemed worth the effort to try.

We were completely charmed with her.  And after the first date, we were truly hopeful that there was something there.  She’s even interested in chastity, which is a HUGE hot button for me.

We were giddy the next day, and per her messages, she was too.  I was filled with a mixture of fascination and fear.  Not just fear, terror.  The idea of being hurt again (with all the other hurts in my life), just left me feeling unsure.  And when I started to actually examine things (after the giddiness of the first few days had passed), I realized that while we had all these plans, all these hopes, we actually knew NOTHING about her.  We don’t even know her name, aside from her Fetlife tag and email.  She’s also been really tight-lipped about any information that could be used to identify her.

Granted, as a professional and a cross dresser, she has reason to be cautious.  But honestly, when I break it down to the barest heart of the matter, the truth is that I don’t want to fuck someone whose name I don’t even know.  I need someone to show me some trust and intimacy before I even try.

Does that mean I have trust issues?  Sure, whatever.  I’ll claim that.  But I still think that my point is valid.  If I’m going to let myself be vulnerable enough to try to invest some emotion into something, it needs to have some sort of a solid basis.  Lust isn’t enough.

So long story long, I sent an email to that effect.  Maybe my phrasing was off, but I was trying to express that I really liked her and just wanted to know more about her, or that maybe if she wasn’t sure about us we should slow down.  And she lashed out.  She doesn’t want a second date.

Ouch.

I’ve developed a relatively thick skin with all the dating/casual play I’ve done in the past, but this one aches.  What’s worse is that Bear is hurting too.  He was very taken with her, and he’s just moping and sad.  I feel like it’s my fault that he got hurt.

I’ve given him permission to date her on his own if he would like, but I’m just not involved.  It would be nice if she somehow realized what I was trying to say and made the effort to open up to me, but I don’t see it happening.

I have big walls, she has big walls, and neither of us are tearing them down anytime soon.  I thought maybe it would be worth it to try, but I don’t think she does, so fuck it.  😦

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So I took a long bath, cried a little, and did a 3 card tarot reading.

PAST:  6 of swords (solace)
This one’s pretty easy to interpret.  6 of swords is about leaving difficulties behind with a change of scenery.  Kind of a cut-and-run scenario.  Yeah, that’s me.  When things get difficult or too confusing, I just leave.  I have too much other chaos in my life to allow myself to be wrapped up in anything that makes me confused, stressed, or doubtful.  Maybe it would be healthier to stay and face shit, but that’s not my strong suit.

PRESENT:  Queen of cups (intuition)
Honestly, this might represent her.  She’s a water sign and does have a very feminine energy.  However, I think it’s more likely that it represents my state of mind right now.  I’m going through a loss, fighting with my family, miserable in my job, and scared of my life just generally caving in.  I’m emotional to the extreme right now, and I feel a lot of watery emotional energy in my present state.  I’m feeling like (aside from Bear and J, maybe Wolfit) I have NOBODY in my corner.  The people I’m closest to are attacking me, and I feel like I’m drowning.

FUTURE:  3 of discs (dedication)
At first glance, I see three smiling faces, and that gives me a little hope.  However, when I read the meaning of the card, it’s more about building a solid basis in business, or starting a physical project.  Maybe this is the incense business that I dream of creating with Bear?  I’d LOVE to think that it means that things will come back around and she’ll try for us.  And that we’ll be able to build things on a solid basis and be strong together.  But I can’t really imagine that that’s the case.  I think the part of me that hopes, that tries to connect with people, is broken.  I think it’s just been damaged beyond repair.  I don’t have the energy for it anymore.  So who knows what this means.  *shrug*

Cards

Cards

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Gathering ingredients for Samhain incense

My husband is lovely.  Simply lovely.  He truly is the best thing in my life.  And when I asked him yesterday if he would like to go to the cemetery with me to gather some ingredients for incense, he didn’t hesitate.  He was even a bit excited for another one of my cemetery adventures.

Cypress

A gravesite being taken over by a leaning cypress tree

He gave me space to meditate and commune with the trees to ask if I could use some of their materials for my incense, and he held what I had collected while I went on my mad search to find the next thing I needed.  Did I mention that he was sick and felt gnarly the whole time?  He’s lovely.

At any rate, I haven’t decided if I’m going to list my entire ingredient roster here, since I have a dream of one day hawking my incense wares on ETSY or some similar forum.  But I will show what I got on my collecting trip.

Ingredients

This is the stuff I gathered for my Samhain incense and altar

I got some graveyard dirt (and quartz and acorns and a shard of milk glass) to put into a small jar to keep on the altar.  I also got some leaves from a live oak, and cypress needles and bark.  The cypress smells soooooo good!  Those will all go into my incense.

Unrelated to the Samhain incense, I also got some lovely, crispy-dry hop flowers from an unnamed source.  Hops are great for anything having to do with sleep or relaxation.  They may find their way into a dream pillow at some point.

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On Figment a few days ago, there was a contest where you were asked to describe a totem in 33 words.  I seriously thought about it, and while I decided not to enter the contest, I did consider totems in my world, and which character would benefit from something of that nature.  Vine weaves charms into her dreadlocks as she moves along on her journey, and that was what sprang to mind immediately.  However, I began to think about some of the more peripheral characters, and dreamt up a short story for a character that’s dedicated to Cernunnos.  I’m feeling especially drawn to Cernunnos right now, probably due to the time of the year, and it seemed to write itself.  Now to type it out.  🙂