2013- goals and better luck

English: Pink sunrise on snow, Wheeler Crest a...

English: Pink sunrise on snow, Wheeler Crest and Bishop Pass, viewed from Swall meadows. Mono County, Eastern Sierra, California. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

In my last post, I vented about all the things that went horribly, horribly wrong last year.  And there was a lot.  It seemed neverending at times.

However, I truly am an optimist.  I tend towards stupid optimism, even.  Even when I get truly depressed and feel victimized, I usually come back around and start looking at what I can do differently to better my life.  I also tend towards a little depression/introversion/introspection in January, so this is when all of my plans begin gestating.

  1. FINISH MY DAMN NOVEL!  This has been 3 years in the making, and it’s time to write those last 30K words and just finish it.  It’s aching to be finished.  It’s actually kinda good in some ways, and will be better once I finish it and edit it.  It needs to be born.
  2. Make kyphi, and begin selling my incense.
  3. Stay spiritual.  At the very least, light a candle every full moon.
  4. Lose at least 50 lbs in 2013, more is better.  It’s definitely time that we get back into healthy eating.  For Bear’s health, for my health, for J and Little J’s health.  We all need to be healthy.
  5. Find a different second job.  I’ve been working at my parents’ shop for 18 years now, and it drives me absolutely insane.  I need to do something that doesn’t involve my family in any way whatsoever in order to save my sanity.
  6. Take a trip.  Anywhere.  Even an overnighter a few hours away.  I need to go somewhere SO badly.  I get itchy when I don’t travel for a while, and it’s just time.

I’m sure that I’ll come up with more later, but for now, these are the biggies.  I also want to remember to tell Bear how much I love him as often as possible, and make more time for us to be romantic together.

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Things I’m obsessed with right now:

  • The idea of using an oil diffuser as an incense stove/burner.  There are really expensive Japanese incense stoves that retail for $300+, but I can’t see why an oil diffuser with an adjustable temp would be any different.  The idea is that when you add powdered incense to smouldering charcoal, it burns too quickly, is too smoky, and then the bitter burny smell lingers.  Also, the self-igniting charcoal that most people use has a scent of its own, so it’s tough to gauge the actual scent of your incense.  With a diffuser, the incense is warmed gently, and you get to experience the full range of the scent without the charcoal smell or the scorched herb smell.
  • Starting my own YouTube channel.  J gave me a video camera for my bday, and I’m stoked to set it up and start using it.
  • Little J, our little darling.  She’s part cross-dresser, part little, part submissive, and completely lovely.  She gives me hope.
Incense. Frankincense on coal.

Incense. Frankincense on coal. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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Tarot reading, polyamory, and strong boundaries

Sooo..  I had completely given up on finding our third.  We weren’t even looking any more, even though that seems to be a natural state for us.  It’s not that Bear and I aren’t enough for each other, it’s more that we have a lot of extra love, and the idea of bringing a third into our relationship feels right.

Things didn’t work out when we tried to form a relationship with J, and that hurt.  But it got to be OK over time, and now that we’re not trying to force something that isn’t going to be there, we’ve found a really amazing friendship.  I wouldn’t trade him for anyone.  He’s truly been there for us at our worst, and I can’t imagine trying to go back and create a relationship that would never work.  I’m very happy with the balance we’ve found.

So I decided that I didn’t want to even try anymore.  There was a flurry of activity after J, but that was more a balm for my bruised ego than anything else.  Nothing stuck.  I was looking forward to writing, getting back to my spirituality, and focusing on Bear.  And then SHE showed up.  And she was so lovely, charming, sexy, and clever, that it seemed worth the effort to try.

We were completely charmed with her.  And after the first date, we were truly hopeful that there was something there.  She’s even interested in chastity, which is a HUGE hot button for me.

We were giddy the next day, and per her messages, she was too.  I was filled with a mixture of fascination and fear.  Not just fear, terror.  The idea of being hurt again (with all the other hurts in my life), just left me feeling unsure.  And when I started to actually examine things (after the giddiness of the first few days had passed), I realized that while we had all these plans, all these hopes, we actually knew NOTHING about her.  We don’t even know her name, aside from her Fetlife tag and email.  She’s also been really tight-lipped about any information that could be used to identify her.

Granted, as a professional and a cross dresser, she has reason to be cautious.  But honestly, when I break it down to the barest heart of the matter, the truth is that I don’t want to fuck someone whose name I don’t even know.  I need someone to show me some trust and intimacy before I even try.

Does that mean I have trust issues?  Sure, whatever.  I’ll claim that.  But I still think that my point is valid.  If I’m going to let myself be vulnerable enough to try to invest some emotion into something, it needs to have some sort of a solid basis.  Lust isn’t enough.

So long story long, I sent an email to that effect.  Maybe my phrasing was off, but I was trying to express that I really liked her and just wanted to know more about her, or that maybe if she wasn’t sure about us we should slow down.  And she lashed out.  She doesn’t want a second date.

Ouch.

I’ve developed a relatively thick skin with all the dating/casual play I’ve done in the past, but this one aches.  What’s worse is that Bear is hurting too.  He was very taken with her, and he’s just moping and sad.  I feel like it’s my fault that he got hurt.

I’ve given him permission to date her on his own if he would like, but I’m just not involved.  It would be nice if she somehow realized what I was trying to say and made the effort to open up to me, but I don’t see it happening.

I have big walls, she has big walls, and neither of us are tearing them down anytime soon.  I thought maybe it would be worth it to try, but I don’t think she does, so fuck it.  😦

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So I took a long bath, cried a little, and did a 3 card tarot reading.

PAST:  6 of swords (solace)
This one’s pretty easy to interpret.  6 of swords is about leaving difficulties behind with a change of scenery.  Kind of a cut-and-run scenario.  Yeah, that’s me.  When things get difficult or too confusing, I just leave.  I have too much other chaos in my life to allow myself to be wrapped up in anything that makes me confused, stressed, or doubtful.  Maybe it would be healthier to stay and face shit, but that’s not my strong suit.

PRESENT:  Queen of cups (intuition)
Honestly, this might represent her.  She’s a water sign and does have a very feminine energy.  However, I think it’s more likely that it represents my state of mind right now.  I’m going through a loss, fighting with my family, miserable in my job, and scared of my life just generally caving in.  I’m emotional to the extreme right now, and I feel a lot of watery emotional energy in my present state.  I’m feeling like (aside from Bear and J, maybe Wolfit) I have NOBODY in my corner.  The people I’m closest to are attacking me, and I feel like I’m drowning.

FUTURE:  3 of discs (dedication)
At first glance, I see three smiling faces, and that gives me a little hope.  However, when I read the meaning of the card, it’s more about building a solid basis in business, or starting a physical project.  Maybe this is the incense business that I dream of creating with Bear?  I’d LOVE to think that it means that things will come back around and she’ll try for us.  And that we’ll be able to build things on a solid basis and be strong together.  But I can’t really imagine that that’s the case.  I think the part of me that hopes, that tries to connect with people, is broken.  I think it’s just been damaged beyond repair.  I don’t have the energy for it anymore.  So who knows what this means.  *shrug*

Cards

Cards