Things to let go of.

Meditation

Meditation (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’m working on a ritual that I’ll be doing on the new moon on June 8th.  I’m feeling bogged down in everything lately, and I need to let go.  I need to clear my brain so that I can move onto bigger and better.  I’ve internalized a lot of anger and sadness about a lot of things, and a lot of the people I’m angry at are dead.  That serves NO purpose, and I need to clear myself to improve my health and my life in general.

I plan to write these things down, and really spend some time with them.  They each will get their own piece of paper, and as I write them, I’ll focus on them, dwell on them, really feel the emotions tied with them.  And then I’ll burn them at the new moon and do whatever it takes to release them.

For each piece of paper, I’ll put a small piece of black tourmaline in a bag to wear around my neck.  (Reminder to self: sew aforementioned bag)

This is my list:

1. Having to struggle to get through college where my sister’s way was paid with no problem.  I also want to let go of the hurt of my mother denying that I had to pay my own way, and telling my father (when he could have helped me) that I spent all my money on booze and partying when I actually spent every dime on books, gas, and an occasional meal at school.

2. My mother doing her best to make me feel worthless.  She takes her own feelings of inadequacy out on me, and projects her own problems onto me, then gets angry when I argue with her.  This happens once a year or so, usually around my birthday.  And then she doesn’t understand why I never want to celebrate my birthday anymore.  The fact is that I don’t want to celebrate it with HER.

3.  My father not being there for me as a kid, then turning his back on me as an adult.  Him not friending me on Facebook, and choosing his church/Tea Party friends over me.  (Actually, I let this go at Samhain, and it really does feel much lighter to me.  I’ll throw it in again this time for good measure.)

4.  My ex making me feel worthless.  I mostly did what it took to heal myself from that, namely dating around and proving to myself that I could get as much attention as I wanted, but it still pops up unexpectedly sometimes.  It’s time to let it go.  She’s out of my life for good, and I need to get the pain out of my life too.

5.  My sister’s sense of superiority since she’s had a kid.  She told me a few weeks ago that she really thought I was starting to grow up.  She’s 5 years younger than me, and has always had people to take care of the tough stuff for her.  I never have.  I never even asked for help.  I just took it for granted that I had to work hard for everything that I got out of life because my family’s help always came with guilt or strings.  I don’t really have a relationship with her anymore, since everything I say gets back to my mother, which means it goes to my aunt and uncle, her best friend, my grandmother, and anyone else who strikes up a conversation.  Neither she nor my mother have any boundaries when it comes to sharing private details of my life.

6.  My stepmom not returning my calls or making any move to keep in touch after my father passed.  She was my stepmother for 23 years, and I honestly thought that she loved us.  I never realized that she really just tolerated us for my father’s sake.

7.  My grandparents’ closed-mindedness.  I was never able to come out to them, partially because they’re very opinionated, and partially because my mother told me I would kill them if I did.  They never understood why I kept them at arm’s length, and most of that was because I couldn’t share 90% of my life with them.  I never introduced them to my partner of 7 years, because my mom thought she was just too lesbian.

8.  The general unfairness of all my health problems.  I have to wonder how different my life would have been if I’d been able to participate in sports or go for any length of time without surgery.  I try to be grateful for what I have, healthwise, but it’s tough sometimes.

9.  My willingness to settle professionally.  I’m 38 years old, and I just keep spinning my wheels.  My salary has degraded to 1/4 of what it was when I first graduated from college.  The job I’m in now actually physically hurts me, but I feel too tired or too hopeless to change it for myself.  Is it fear of success that keeps me from pursuing something that I might love, like finishing my novel?  It just seems like every time I follow my bliss, I end up disappointed and disillusioned.

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I also made an oil for spiritual purification, and I’m going to use that to annoint the tourmaline as I put it in the bag, annoint the bag periodically, and annoint myself during the ritual.

Spiritual Purification Oil

Fill a small bottle 1/2 way with sweet almond oil.  To that add:
13 drops rosemary oil
7 drops eucalyptus oil
5 drops lemon oil
5 drops lavender oil
3 drops peppermint oil
small pinch of sea salt or Himalayan salt
3 small pieces of sage

Amethyst would also be good to add to this, but I don’t have any small enough pieces to use.

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English: Amethyst

English: Amethyst (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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Family, chosen and otherwise

My grandfather passed in his sleep the night before last.  As complicated as our relationship was, I still felt close to him.  Even when I couldn’t share 85% of my life and the things and people I cared about with him, he was still someone I loved very much.

When I was a kid, I was always the favorite.  I was the first blood grandchild that they had.  I was the one that they took on vacation every summer, the one they fawned over, etc.  And when I became a teenager and started thinking for myself, that’s when the trouble began. 

I’ve always been independent.  I’ve always followed my own path instead of walking one that someone would set before me.  I’ve never needed anyone’s advice on how to handle things, I’ve made my own decisions and accepted my own consequences.  For my control-freak family, that’s always been a problem.  Through it all, I’ve never asked anyone to help me out of my own messes.  I’ve learned from them, become stronger (and stronger and stronger), and moved on.

I’ve also had various hair colors, tattoos, non-traditional relationships, non-traditional spirituality, and very little in the way of financial success.  But I’ve always, ALWAYS, been true to myself.  My life path sometimes seems like a sucking, treacherous rut in deep mud, but it’s MINE, and I do the best that I can with it.

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One of the things that I’ve learned is very important to me, is the concept of ‘chosen family’.  I’m very, very particular about the people I surround myself with, especially with all the death and upheaval over the past 3 years.  (Bear with me, I know I harp on this a lot, but it really is a major influence in my life, and something I’m trying really hard to work through.  8 deaths of people close to me in 3 years really DOES mean that I get to whine about it a little.) 

So yesterday, I got the call about Papa at about 8:30.  I was at work, and was already hurting quite a bit because I’d only gotten 3 hours of sleep the night before.  I was tearing tags, prepared to be miserable and hurty for the next 5 days that I was on.  When Mom called, she lost it on the phone.  I tried to be supportive and calm, while processing the news myself.  I was at work, after all, and customers were coming in throughout the entire conversation.

So when I hung up with Mom, I stared at the phone for a full 5 minutes, trying to make sure I was calm enough to call my manager to let him know what was going on.  I wasn’t.  Of course I wasn’t.  Even after 5 minutes, I ended up crying on the phone with him, at which point he came out of the office and took over for me while I went back to the bathroom and lost my shit.

I began trying to call Bear and J, and they were both dead asleep.  I texted, called, etc.  Eventually, J called me back and rushed to come take over the last 3 hours of my shift so I could go be with my family.  He was exhausted from the previous 2 days, and I felt terrible asking, but I needed to leave, and he was there in a snap. 

I’d been holding it (mostly) together all morning, until he showed up, and I lost it.  I cried all the way home, called Mom, cried some more, etc.

 

******************  This is where I dropped off.  I was just too tired to write anymore.  The gist is that when I finally went over to my grandmother’s house, she LAYED INTO ME.  She gave me a stream of shit about my tattoos, how much had I spent on them, when was I going to cut down the trees in my backyard, when was I going to pay my property taxes, when was I going to sell all of the things I kept when my other grandmother died, etc. 

Bear started getting pissed, my aunt and uncle looked embarassed for me, and I just wanted to leave.  Those people are toxic to me.  I know that she and my mother and my sister sit around and talk about me, and figure out all the little nuances of my life and how much of a failure I am.  They want to know why I don’t spend time with them?  That’s why.

I need distance from my family.  Family is supposed to love you unconditionally, but that’s not the kind of family I have.  Bear and J love me unconditionally.  My blood family mostly think that I’m worthless.  Fine.  Who needs ’em?

So I’m stuck with this urge to just move.  Out of state.  And maybe not even leave a forwarding number. 

 

*************************  The funeral was last night, and it was short and sweet.  It was actually more of a visitation, and Mom was happy to see that Grandma cried for the first time since Papa passed.  It was nice to see Mom’s cousins that traveled from Md and Fl, and one that lives here but that we never see.  After the visitation, we went back to Grandma’s and had drinks.  Everyone needed that. 

I think everyone behaved towards me because of the out-of-towners.  😀